Well it's like 2:00 a.m. and yup I'm procrastinating to do my homework and study for my first final in BIO tomorrow. I haven't been able to sleep good lately, I mean I can one part is that my bed is like a water bed now at night. I usually wake up every 2 hours to switch ice bags and the bottom half of my bed is really wet. I can say honestly it's been tough because their are times like tonight that I don't feel like I can push myself physically. I had a good talk with JW on my way home tonight. I read his blog along with Alec's (man since when is everyone blogging now) and it just really hit home some of the stuff I learned from MCBC.

I guess another reason why I've been up late is that I feel the same way as JW does. Not in terms that I lost a pet, even though I have lost a few goldfish and a tadpole. But what I am speaking of is in terms of friendships, people who I thought I was tight with. JW mentioned about his dog and we both were talking about this saying "you don't know what you have until you lost it." Basically taking things for granted, and in ways we all are spoiled. However, I just feel like my friendships with certain are just being taking for granted for. I can honestly say that for the past few days, I've been wondering what it would be like if I left? Would people really care if I did or not or would they just because that is what it took, going back to that saying. Like JW's dog, I feel like certain friendships of mine have died or are deterioating.

We are taught from God's Word to be transparent with our love towards others. However, I feel like I do a good job for the most part of showing how much I love them through Christ. However, there just comes a point in time where people just taking it for granted. Maybe I am being selfish, and seeking too much in return ya know like a little love or at least recognize the fact that I am alive. Do I still love these people that I feel the friendships have died? Yes I do, and things do happen for a reason, and I know it's all in God's control. So it's like what can I do? I honestly do have some bitterness towards some of them, but in the end I do love them. It's like what V said in her blog about forgiveness.

However, (man I am using that word way too much now) God has provided a light for me. I know Chrissy and I have talked about this as how we can be individually a light for God. But I look at the 5:14 Fellowship and it is like my light, when I keep thinking about some of those friendships that seem on the down, the 5:14 is what keeps me going. I keep flipping through the pics on everyone's websites, and it's amazing to me to continue to see what God has provided. When this fellowship first started, I felt that God gave me a vision about caring, and I mean just truly caring for one another. That people who come into the fellowship feel that deep sincerity, and genuine love for each other. It beats more of those hey how are you doing type of things. But the caring just takes us to another level, where we care for each other that we continue to pray for each other, and continue to give our praises to God. I feel like that was one part of what the MCBC Conference has taught me, is how God has molded me to try and add that into the fellowship.

Another thing that I learned from MCBC is just how we are all wounded people and we should tell each other so again we care and pray for each other. This is a sign of hey, I'm not stronger than her/him but the fact that we are all sinners. It would be nice to share with each other what has kept us down so that we may learn and feel for each other. I see that in the 5:14, we all go through struggles and God has called upon each of us at different times to lift the other brother or sister up.

I remember a couple of months ago, I was talking about how being the captain of my IM v-ball team, and how the team took the identity of who I am as a player. God has called me to be one of the leaders of the 5:14, and I feel like this fellowship has taken some of those identities that I treasure. Things like caring for each other, I'm a people person and I love the people that I come in contact with. I'm amazed of how well God has really blessed such a friendship that I have with people like Cougar, and Alec. Then their's sharing each other's weaknesses, obviously I have a lot, but that we can all learn from each other and restore one another up in Christ.

Then their is my last one that I love about this group, is what I call the Exclusion Act. I don't think anyone has ever let anyone feel left out of the group. This group is very willing to open up to each other and to get to know one another. Plus this fellowship does a great job of welcoming people whether during fellowship or at CBC. However, we are still a young fellowship and may God's prescence be filled in our hearts and during our times of fellowship.

Gosh it's like 3:40 a.m., I wonder if it is time to get cracking on that homework yet? Do I miss those friendships that are dying? Yes I do, but I won't overlook what God has provided for me through 5:14.

Another thing that I forgot to mention about how quickly it seems like some of my friendships are dying? I now know even one of them whom I considered one of my closest friends even lied to me. I personally keep thinking about what's worst to get snubbed or to be lied to? It's amazing how things are going, gosh and this person said I should be more open to trust them. I just gotta remember that I can't be shaken, and try to be like Job through all this. I wish people could just be straight up though.

Can We Be Tight